On Thursday, I'm leaving for Berkeley. Which means that it's officially crazy thoughts time in my head. I think I am handling this transition better than most I have in the past. Let's review:
- Prior to going to Wellesley and the first semester there: So afraid that my friends back home would move on without me that I was bitterly afraid of being away from home/quite homesick for a few months
- Prior to leaving for Ireland: Better, in that I adjusted right away. But the transition and the fear of being so far caused me to be terribly sad the week before I left.
By contrast, I'm pretty calm about this one. It's easier in some ways - I've gone away to school before, so I know how that goes. I've lived 3000 miles away before (albeit for 5 months and not 5 years), so I can handle not being in a drivable distance to Jersey. And I'm moving in with Randy, know some of his friends, and have some acquaintances of my own in Berkeley, so I'm not going into my social life blind like my previous moves.
Still, sadness occasionally creeps in. Something symbolic about giving up my Jersey residency bothers me. The lack of ease/freedom to return home is also troubling; I don't mind being far, per say, but part of me feels anxious about not being able to dash home if something happened and I was really needed. (This concern never struck me before; I can't really imagine why it feels so acute now.) Plus, while I'm trying to be casual about it, very few people I know from home/family have made a cross-country move, so everybody else makes a big deal out of it. And faced with that, I can't help but think it a big deal on some level.
Thankfully, my experience has made me recognize that I will feel fine as soon as I get there; there's so much to be excited about (setting up a new apartment, exploring new environs, seeing Randy again, etc.) that I will enjoy myself without a problem once I'm there. But I always worry a little before I get places; as the transition time makes me restless and nostalgic and wistful and prematurely homesick.
Amusingly, the bad feelings this time are about relatively trite things. I worry about getting the stuff I want in my suitcases; about the crazy big bed in a very small room, about what appliances to acquire and how/where, and other such material things. This, perhaps, is good, as it's distracting me from what could be more serious sadness.
In three or four days, I'll be golden. Till then, wish me luck!
Monday, August 3, 2009
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